The Cycle of Abuse – Explained Simply
A survivor-friendly explanation of the four phases of the abuse cycle.
The Cycle of Abuse: Tension-Building, Incident, Reconciliation, Calm
Why People Talk About a “Cycle of Abuse”
The “cycle of abuse” is a way some professionals describe repeating patterns in many abusive relationships. Not every situation follows this model, and not every phase is always obvious. Still, understanding the pattern can help you notice risks and make informed choices about your safety and wellbeing.
A common version of the cycle includes four phases:
- Tension-building
- Incident (or explosion)
- Reconciliation (or “honeymoon”)
- Calm (or “relative normal”)
These phases may happen over weeks, days, or even within a single day.
1. Tension-Building Phase
In the tension-building phase, stress and unease start to rise. The abusive person may become increasingly irritable, critical, or controlling. People in their orbit often feel like they are “walking on eggshells.”
Common Signs of Tension-Building
- Sharp changes in mood, irritability, or frequent snapping
- Blaming you or others for small things or imagined slights
- Increased jealousy, accusations, or monitoring of your movements
- Subtle threats, raised voice, or intimidating body language
- Pressure to obey rules, routines, or demands more strictly
- Withholding affection, attention, or money as “punishment”
How You Might Feel or Respond
- Trying to keep the peace by changing your behavior, words, or routines
- Monitoring their mood closely to avoid “setting them off”
- Feeling anxious, tense, or having trouble eating or sleeping
- Making excuses for their mood or stress (“work is hard,” “they’re tired”)
2. Incident Phase (Explosion or Acute Abuse)
The incident phase is when abusive behavior becomes more obvious and intense. This may be a single event or a cluster of events. Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, financial, or digital.
Examples of Incident-Phase Behaviors
- Yelling, insults, name-calling, or humiliation
- Threats to hurt you, themselves, children, pets, or others
- Destroying property, punching walls, throwing things
- Physical or sexual harm, or threats of harm
- Taking away keys, phone, money, or documents to control your movement
- Intense interrogation, accusations, or forced “confessions”
Common Internal Reactions
- Fear, shock, numbness, or disbelief
- Freezing, going along to minimize escalation, or trying to placate
- Planning what you will say or do to survive the moment
- Shame, confusion, or feeling “out of your body” afterward
3. Reconciliation Phase (The “Honeymoon”)
After an incident, many abusive people shift strategies. Instead of obvious aggression, they may become affectionate, apologetic, or extra attentive. This is sometimes called the “honeymoon” or reconciliation phase.
What Reconciliation Can Look Like
- Apologizing, crying, or saying they “lost control” and it will never happen again
- Giving gifts, planning special outings, or promising big changes
- Blaming outside factors (“I was drunk,” “work is stressful,” “you pushed me”)
- Promising to get help, go to counseling, or change habits
- Pressuring you to forgive quickly and “forget it ever happened”
Why This Phase Can Be So Powerful
- It may remind you of the person you first met or the parts of them you care about.
- You might want to believe the promises because leaving can feel scary, complicated, or impossible.
- There may be financial ties, immigration concerns, children, housing, or cultural pressures.
- Periods of kindness can create hope that “this time will be different.”
4. Calm Phase (Relative Normal)
In the calm phase, things may feel more stable. There may be fewer obvious arguments or incidents. To others, the relationship may appear “normal” or even positive.
What the Calm Phase Might Involve
- Daily routines returning to normal—work, school, shared activities
- Less obvious conflict, with moments of closeness or shared laughter
- The abusive person acting as though nothing happened
- Unspoken rules about not bringing up past incidents
- Subtle control or monitoring that continues beneath the surface
Internal Experience During Calm
- Relief that the incident has passed
- Hoping the abuse is truly over this time
- Feeling pressure to be “grateful” or “move on”
- Anxiety about when the next cycle may start, even if things look good
Over time, the calm and honeymoon phases often get shorter, and the tension and incident phases can become more frequent or severe. However, every situation is different, and only you can assess what you are experiencing.
Recognizing Your Own Pattern
You may notice that:
- Certain triggers or events tend to lead into tension-building.
- Abusive incidents repeat in similar ways, even if the details change.
- Promises or apologies are not followed by lasting behavior change.
- You change your own habits, friendships, or goals to manage the cycle.
Tracking what happens over time—such as keeping a private, safer record or talking with a trusted professional—may help you see patterns more clearly. You can also explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support.
Options You May Want to Consider
Only you know what feels possible and realistic in your situation. Depending on your circumstances, you may want to consider:
- Learning more about different types of abuse and coercive control
- Reflecting on how each phase shows up in your relationship, if it does
- Thinking about safety planning for times when tension is rising or an incident seems more likely
- Reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or advocate to talk through what you are noticing
- Exploring your rights regarding housing, finances, and children in your area