Helping Children Feel Safe During Conflict

Ways to support children emotionally.

Helping Children Feel Safer: Routines, Calm Spaces, and Supportive Adults

Why These Three Things Matter

When there has been conflict, control, or abuse in a home, children often feel uncertain and on edge. Three practical tools that can help are:

• Predictable routines
• Calm spaces
• Supportive adults

None of these can erase harm, but together they can make daily life feel more stable and give children ways to cope.

Routines: Predictability That Lowers Stress

Routines are regular patterns in the day that a child can usually count on. They do not have to be perfect or rigid. The aim is “mostly predictable,” not “exactly the same every day.”

How Routines Help Children Affected by Abuse

• Reduce anxiety by making parts of the day more predictable
• Help children know what comes next when other things feel chaotic
• Give small moments of control (like choosing which pajamas or which book)
• Support sleep, appetite, and school focus

Simple Routine Ideas

You may want to consider starting with just one or two small parts of the day:

• Morning routine: Wake up, wash, get dressed, breakfast, gather school items.
• After-school routine: Snack, quiet time, homework or play, dinner.
• Bedtime routine: Wash, pajamas, short chat about the day, story or music, lights down.

Making Routines Feel Safe, Not Controlling

• Explain the plan in simple words (“After dinner, we’ll tidy up, then you can choose a game.”).
• Offer small choices where possible (“Brush teeth first or put on pajamas first?”).
• Keep expectations realistic on stressful days; it is okay if the routine is “good enough,” not perfect.
• Reassure children that changes can happen and that you will tell them when plans need to shift.

Calm Spaces: A Place to Settle the Body and Mind

A calm space is any spot where a child can step away from tension and have a chance to settle. It can be very simple and does not need special equipment.

What a Calm Space Can Look Like

• A corner of a bedroom with a cushion or blanket
• A spot on the floor with a basket of quiet activities
• The end of a sofa or a chair near a window
• Even a “portable calm space” in a bag (coloring, small toy, headphones) used in different places

Ideas for What to Include

• Soft items (small pillow, blanket, soft toy)
• Calm activities (coloring, puzzle, book, simple fidget)
• Soothing options if available (quiet music, nature sounds, a dim lamp)

Talking With a Child About the Calm Space

• Explain its purpose: “This is a spot you can use when you feel worried, mad, or tired.”
• Make it voluntary: it is an option, not a punishment.
• Practice using it at neutral times, not only after big upsets.
• Ask what helps them calm down and add one or two of their ideas if it is safe to do so.

Safety Considerations for Calm Spaces

• Place it in a spot that feels as safe as possible to you and the child.
• Avoid locations where the abusive person is likely to target or mock.
• Keep items that cannot easily be turned into something harmful.
• If privacy is limited, even a small box or bag of calm items that can be taken to another room may help.

Supportive Adults: People Who Can Be Safely Trusted

Supportive adults are people who treat the child with respect, believe them, and try to keep their best interests in mind. A child does not need many; even one or two can make a difference.

What Makes an Adult “Supportive” for a Child

• Listens without blaming or criticizing the child
• Does not pressure the child to talk, but makes it clear they can
• Respects the child’s feelings, even when they are mixed or confusing
• Tries to protect the child’s privacy and dignity
• Avoids speaking badly about the child’s other parent in front of them, even if that parent has been abusive

Possible Supportive Adults in a Child’s Life

• Non-abusive parent or caregiver
• Grandparent, aunt, uncle, or older cousin
• Teacher, school counselor, or school nurse
• Coach, youth group leader, or trusted neighbor
• Health professionals who work with children

Helping a Child Connect With Supportive Adults

• Notice who your child seems to feel at ease with and start there.
• Keep conversations general at first: “If you ever feel worried, you can talk to [name].”
• Explain privacy in age-appropriate ways, including when adults may need to tell others to keep the child safe.
• Work within any legal or safety limits you have (such as court orders or supervised contact rules).

Combining Routines, Calm Spaces, and Supportive Adults

These three tools can support each other.

• Routines create predictable times to connect with supportive adults (for example, a regular check-in after school).
• Calm spaces give children somewhere to go when they feel overwhelmed by conflict or memories.
• Supportive adults can help keep routines and calm spaces going, even when life is stressful.

Small, Realistic Starting Points

You do not need to create everything at once. You might choose to:

• Start with one short bedtime routine you can usually keep
• Set up one basic calm spot with a blanket and a book
• Identify one adult who can be a steady presence for the child

Any step that increases predictability, offers a place to calm, or strengthens a caring relationship can support a child who has lived with conflict or abuse.

Recommended Articles

• Talking to Children About Abuse in Age-Appropriate Ways
• Helping Children Feel Safer After Scary Incidents
• Supporting Your Child’s Mental Health After Abuse
• Co-Parenting With an Abusive Ex-Partner
• School and Childcare Safety Plans for Your Child