How to Prepare to Leave Safely
Practical steps before leaving an abusive relationship.
Preparation Checklist Before You Decide Whether to Leave
Purpose of This Checklist
This checklist is for people who are thinking about the possibility of leaving in the future, but do not feel ready or sure right now. You can use it to quietly prepare, reduce risks, and gather information at your own pace.
You are not committing to leaving by using this list. You decide if, when, and how any step is right for you.
Before You Start
You may want to think about:
- What devices your partner can access (phone, computer, tablet, car GPS)
- Where it feels safest to read, write, or save information
- Whether it feels safer to keep things only in your head, not written down
1. Personal Documents and Identification
If it is safe to do so, consider how you might access or copy important documents in the future, even if you do not take them now.
- Identification:
- Passport
- Driver’s license or state ID
- Birth certificates (yours and children’s)
- Social Security or national insurance numbers
- Immigration documents, visas, or residency cards
- Financial and legal documents:
- Bank and credit card information
- Pay stubs or employment contracts
- Rental agreement or mortgage papers
- Insurance policies (health, car, home, life)
- Court orders, custody documents, or police reports, if any
- Health and education records:
- Medical records or medication lists
- Vaccination records, especially for children
- School records or Individualized Education Plans (IEPs)
Options for storing or accessing copies might include:
- Photos or scans saved to a secure cloud account only you can access
- Copies kept with a trusted person outside the home
- Copies stored in a place your partner is unlikely to check (if safe)
2. Money and Financial Access
Financial control is common in abusive relationships. Quiet preparation can sometimes make future choices easier.
- Information to know or quietly write down:
- Bank names and account numbers (joint and individual)
- Online banking usernames and passwords (if safe)
- Outstanding debts, loans, or credit lines
- Household bills you may be responsible for (rent, utilities, phone)
- Small steps that may be safer over time:
- Keeping small amounts of cash where your partner is unlikely to look
- Opening a separate account in your name only, if this is safe and legal where you live
- Arranging for some income (wages, benefits) to go to an account you can access alone
- Learning how to access your credit report, if available in your country
3. Digital Safety and Devices
Many people experience monitoring through phones, apps, or accounts. You may want to consider:
- Phones and accounts:
- Whether your partner knows or guesses your passwords
- Which accounts are shared (email, social media, cloud storage)
- Whether messages, call logs, or browser history are regularly checked
- Potential safety steps, if they would not raise suspicion:
- Learning how to clear recent browser history on your device
- Creating a new, private email address that is not logged in on shared devices
- Turning off location sharing in apps you control
- Checking whether your partner’s fingerprint or face unlock is on your phone
For sensitive research, you might prefer:
- Using a device your partner cannot access (work computer, friend’s phone, library computer)
- Using private or incognito browsing, if it does not appear suspicious
4. Key Contacts and Communication
You do not have to tell anyone what is happening if you do not want to. But it can help to know who you might contact quickly if you ever needed support.
- People you might consider:
- Trusted friend, neighbor, or family member
- Work supervisor or colleague
- Children’s school contact
- Health professional you see regularly
- Information to keep accessible (in your head or in a safe place):
- Phone numbers of trusted people
- Local non-emergency support services, if any
- Transportation options (taxi company, bus routes, train times)
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, if it is safe for you to browse.
5. Children, Pets, and Dependents
If you care for children, pets, disabled family members, or others who rely on you, you may want to quietly think through their needs.
- Children:
- Birth certificates and custody documents, if any
- School or daycare details (address, phone, key staff names)
- Medication lists, diagnoses, and special needs
- Any safe adults they already know and trust
- Pets:
- Vet details and vaccination records
- Food, medication, or special care needs
- Any friend/family member who could temporarily care for them
- Other dependents:
- Care plans or support services involved
- Equipment or supplies they rely on
6. Health, Medications, and Daily Needs
Even if you stay for now, it may help to think about how you would access essential items in an emergency or sudden change.
- Medical needs:
- Current medications and doses (for you and dependents)
- Allergies or significant conditions
- Names of doctors, clinics, or pharmacies you use
- Daily essentials:
- Basic toiletries and hygiene items
- Spare glasses or contact lenses, if you use them
- Key assistive devices (mobility aids, hearing aids, etc.)
- Possible quiet preparations:
- Keeping a short written list of medications and allergies somewhere safe
- Preparing a small toiletry kit that would not be noticed
7. Legal Rights and Information
You do not need to take legal action to think about your rights. Learning basic information can help you feel more prepared if you ever choose to use legal options.
- Areas you might want to learn about:
- What counts as domestic abuse where you live
- How protection or restraining orders work, if they exist in your region
- How custody and visitation are usually decided
- Whether you may be able to stay in the home or have financial support
- Ways to get information:
- Legal information websites from government or recognized charities
- Free legal clinics or legal advice lines, if available
- Printed leaflets or booklets picked up outside the home
8. Planning for Safer Moments at Home
Even if you are not planning to leave, some people find it helpful to think about ways to reduce risk during tense moments.
- Things you might consider:
- Rooms in the home that feel safer (for example, with more exits and fewer hard or sharp objects)
- Rooms you may want to avoid during arguments (for example, kitchen or garage)
- Places you can move toward if tension rises
- Whether a neighbor or friend could be alerted discreetly (for example, a code word or signal you both agree on)
- Children’s awareness:
- Simple, age-appropriate ideas about where they can go if adults are arguing
- That it is not their job to “fix” the situation
9. Quiet Emotional Support
Preparing, even privately, can be emotionally tiring. You may want to think about small ways to support your own wellbeing while you decide what you want in the future.
- Possible supports:
- Talking to a trusted person who will respect your pace and choices
- Writing down feelings or plans in a way that feels safe (paper notebook, secure notes app, or just mental notes)
- Engaging in activities that help you feel more grounded (walking, stretching, reading, music)
- Seeking emotional support from a health professional if that is accessible and safe
10. Reviewing and Updating Your Plan
Your situation, feelings, and options may change over time. You can adjust this checklist whenever you need to.
- Questions you might ask yourself from time to time:
- Has anything about my partner’s behavior changed?
- Is my level of risk, fear, or concern different now?
- Has my access to money, transport, or support changed?
- Are there one or two items on this checklist that now feel safer to prepare?
You are allowed to move slowly, pause, or change direction. Preparing does not create an obligation to leave; it simply gives you more choices if you ever decide you want them.