How to Support a Friend Going Through Abuse
How to help without increasing their risk.
Validation and Safety: Trusting What You Feel
What “Validation” Means in Unhealthy or Abusive Relationships
Validation means recognizing that what you feel and notice is real and matters, even if someone else denies it.
In harmful relationships, a person may:
- Tell you your memories are wrong
- Say you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting”
- Blame you for their hurtful behavior
- Act as if nothing happened after an incident
This can make you doubt your own judgment and feel unsafe trusting yourself.
Why Your Feelings Are Important Safety Signals
Feeling uncomfortable, scared, pressured, or constantly “on edge” can be a safety signal, even if you cannot yet explain why.
You may notice:
- Fear about how they will react if you say “no” or disagree
- Walking on eggshells to avoid making them angry
- Confusion because their words and actions do not match
- Shame or self-blame after their outbursts or silent treatment
These feelings are information. You are allowed to take them seriously.
Common Tactics That Undermine Your Self-Trust
Gaslighting
Gaslighting means repeatedly making you question your reality. For example, they may:
- Deny things you clearly remember (“That never happened.”)
- Minimize your experience (“It wasn’t that bad.”)
- Change the topic to your flaws whenever you raise a concern
- Say others agree with them, even if you have not heard this yourself
Blame-Shifting and Justifying Harm
They might insist you caused their behavior:
- “You made me yell.”
- “If you didn’t push my buttons, I wouldn’t act like this.”
- “Anyone would do the same in my position.”
These statements excuse harm rather than take responsibility.
Love-Bombing and Sudden Kindness
After a scary or hurtful event, a person might:
- Suddenly be very affectionate or apologetic
- Give gifts or make big promises
- Ask you not to tell anyone because “they won’t understand”
This can be confusing. The kind moments may be real, but they do not erase patterns of control or fear.
Practicing Self-Validation
You may want to gently practice telling yourself:
- “What I felt in that moment was real to me.”
- “Even if others disagree, my experience still matters.”
- “I am allowed to notice patterns that make me feel unsafe.”
Some practical ways to validate yourself include:
- Naming your feelings: “I felt scared when they blocked the door.”
- Describing facts: “They shouted, slammed the table, and stood over me.”
- Noticing your body: “My heart raced and my hands shook.”
- Allowing your limits: “I do not have to be okay with this, even if they want me to be.”
Connecting Validation to Safety
When you believe yourself, it becomes easier to think about safety. Validation and safety are linked in these ways:
- Clarity: Accepting what happened helps you see patterns, not just isolated incidents.
- Boundaries: Recognizing harm helps you decide what you will and will not accept.
- Planning: When you take your worries seriously, you can consider options in a more grounded way.
Gentle Safety Planning: Starting Where You Are
Safety planning does not always mean leaving immediately. It can be any step that increases your safety or information, including small ones.
Quietly Noticing Patterns
You may want to pay attention to:
- What tends to happen before things escalate
- Times of day or situations that feel riskier
- What helps you feel a little safer during or after an incident
Preparing Information
Some people find it helpful to:
- Memorize or write down important phone numbers (trusted friends, local services)
- Know basic details about local shelters or legal services, even if they never use them
- Keep copies of key documents in a place they feel is reasonably safe for them
Supportive People
Consider who might respond respectfully if you shared a small part of what is happening. This could be:
- A trusted friend or family member
- A health worker you see regularly
- A support worker or advocate in your area
You can decide in advance how much you want to share and what you do not want discussed.
Balancing Self-Trust With Caution
Believing yourself does not mean acting suddenly or taking risks you do not feel ready for. You can:
- Recognize that your concerns are real
- Move at a pace that feels as safe as possible for you
- Change your mind later if new information appears
Self-trust is not all-or-nothing. It can grow gradually as you pay attention to your reactions and needs.
When Others Do Not Believe You
Sometimes, people you care about may:
- Minimize the situation (“All couples fight.”)
- Take sides with the abusive person
- Tell you what you “should” do instead of listening
This can feel like a second layer of invalidation.
It may help to remember:
- They were not there for every moment you experienced.
- Your perspective is still important, even if they cannot fully understand.
- You are allowed to seek support from people who listen without judging or pushing you.
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which collects information about services for people experiencing relationship harm.
Listening to Your Own Boundaries
Boundaries are limits that protect your wellbeing. In a harmful relationship, your boundaries may have been ignored or punished.
You might gently explore questions like:
- “What behavior feels clearly not okay to me?”
- “When do I feel most unsafe or drained?”
- “What would I want for a friend in my situation?”
Your answers can guide decisions such as:
- What topics you refuse to argue about
- Which threats or behaviors mean you will seek outside help
- What contact you are willing to have during or after separations or breakups
Moving Forward at Your Own Pace
Validation and safety are ongoing processes, not single decisions.
Over time, you may notice that you are:
- Questioning harmful messages you were given about yourself
- Feeling more confident describing what happened in clear terms
- Exploring options that align more closely with what feels safe and respectful to you
Any step you take toward believing your own experience—even quietly in your own mind—is a meaningful one.