Leaving With Pets: What You Need to Know
Pet safety and planning.
Planning and Safe Handoff
What “Safe Handoff” Means
“Safe handoff” usually describes moments when a person who causes harm must interact with you or your children for a short period, such as:
- Dropping off or picking up children
- Exchanging belongings
- Brief in-person contact required by a court order or agreement
- Meeting so someone else can take over care or responsibilities
The goal is to reduce risk of harm, limit opportunities for conflict, and create a clear, practical plan for these brief contacts.
Step 1: Clarify What Needs to Happen
You may want to start by writing down the basics of the handoff:
- Who is involved (you, children, other relatives, friends)
- What needs to be exchanged (children, documents, keys, personal items)
- Where the handoff will happen (home, public place, parking lot, etc.)
- When it will happen (day, time, how long it should take)
- How communication will happen (text, through a third party, parenting app)
Being specific can help you see possible risks and options for reducing them.
Step 2: Choose the Safest Possible Location
If you have a choice, you may want to consider locations that:
- Are public and well-lit
- Have people regularly coming and going
- Allow you to leave quickly in your own transportation if possible
- Have cameras or staff presence, such as:
- Supervised visitation centers (where available)
- Police station parking lots (if safe and appropriate for you)
- Busy shopping centers or community centers
If a court order specifies a location, you may still be able to build safety planning around that location (for example, where you park, who comes with you, and how long you stay).
Step 3: Control Timing and Duration
Many people find it helpful to:
- Keep handoffs as brief as possible
- Avoid times of day that are usually high-conflict (late at night, very early, during drinking hours)
- Arrive as close to the agreed time as you can, to avoid waiting together
- Leave immediately after the exchange, if safe to do so
If the other person regularly shows up very early or very late, you may want to document those patterns for future legal or safety planning discussions.
Step 4: Consider Who Else Is Present
Sometimes safety can improve if others are present. Options you may consider include:
- Bringing a trusted support person to sit in the car or nearby
- Arranging for a neutral third party to do the actual handoff
- Using supervised exchange services where available
- Choosing locations where staff or security are naturally present
It can be useful to decide in advance what your support person will and will not do, so they are not pulled into arguments or escalation.
Step 5: Limit Direct Contact and Conversation
Safe handoff planning often focuses on reducing opportunities for conflict. You may want to:
- Use written communication for scheduling (text, email, parenting app) instead of talking in person
- Stick to brief, neutral statements during the handoff (for example, “They have their backpack and medication inside”)
- Avoid discussing finances, new partners, or old conflicts at the handoff
- Let calls go to voicemail before and after if you expect harassing or escalating behavior
Some people find it useful to write a short script in advance so they are not caught off guard.
Step 6: Transportation and Physical Positioning
How you physically move through the space can also matter. You may want to think about:
- Parking in a spot that allows you to leave quickly
- Choosing a side of the parking lot that is more visible to others
- Staying in your car until the other person arrives, if that feels safer
- Where children will walk and who will buckle them into seats
If belongings are being exchanged, you might place items in the trunk or back seat in advance to keep the actual handoff short.
Step 7: Communication Boundaries
You may find it helpful to set personal rules for yourself ahead of time, such as:
- If the other person starts yelling, I will:
- End the conversation
- Focus only on the child handoff
- Leave as soon as it is safe to do so
- If they ask questions I do not want to answer, I will:
- Say, “I’m only here for the exchange” and not engage further
- If they try to move the meeting to a less public place, I will:
- Decline and remain where others are present, if safe
These boundaries are for your own guidance. The other person may not respect them, but they can help you feel more prepared.
Planning Around Children’s Needs
Children may feel anxious or confused about handoffs. You might consider:
- Explaining in simple, age-appropriate language what will happen
- Avoiding negative talk about the other parent during the handoff
- Letting children bring comfort items (toy, blanket, book)
- Having a calm activity ready for them before and after the exchange
- Not using children to pass messages between adults
Legal Orders and Documentation
Some people have court orders that describe how handoffs must happen. These may include:
- Specific times and locations for exchanges
- Requirements for supervised visitation or supervised exchanges
- Restrictions on contact (such as protective or restraining orders)
If you have any order, you may want to keep a copy with you during the handoff and store photos or scans in a secure place. If the other person repeatedly violates the order, you may wish to document each event with dates, times, screenshots, and brief notes.
For questions about how to follow or change a court order, it is usually best to consult a qualified legal professional in your area, as rules differ by region.
Planning for Escalation or Emergencies
Even with careful planning, the other person may choose to escalate. You might prepare by considering:
- Where you can go immediately after the handoff if you feel unsafe
- Which trusted people you can check in with before and after
- How you will contact emergency services if needed
- Safe places nearby if you must leave quickly (stores, public buildings)
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which provides information on services that may be available in your area.
Technology and Digital Safety Around Handoffs
Technology can both support and undermine safety. You may want to think about:
- Location sharing: Decide who can see your location and when.
- Devices for children: Who pays for phones or tablets and who controls the accounts.
- Recording: Laws about recording conversations vary by place; consider getting legal guidance before relying on recordings.
- Messaging: Using written forms of communication that can be saved if documentation is needed later.
Checking In With Yourself Afterward
After a handoff, you may want to take a few minutes to:
- Note anything that felt unsafe or concerning
- Write down dates, times, and any incidents or comments
- Adjust your future plan based on what you learned
- Do something grounding or calming, if that feels supportive
When You Cannot Safely Do Handoffs
In some situations, even with planning, in-person contact may feel unsafe. In those cases, some people explore options such as:
- Requesting supervised exchanges or visitation through a court
- Asking the court to specify different locations or methods
- Having a trusted third party carry out exchanges, if allowed
- Documenting threats, stalking, or severe intimidation for legal advice or future court use
These options almost always involve local law and procedure, so discussing them with a legal advocate or attorney can be important.