Parenting Through Domestic Abuse
Guidance for survivors parenting under difficult circumstances.
Emotional Support for Children and Communicating with Schools
What “Emotional Support” Means for Children
Emotional support is anything that helps a child feel:
- Safe enough to share their feelings
- Listened to and taken seriously
- Comforted when they feel scared, sad, or confused
- Respected, even when adults set limits
In the context of family or relationship harm, emotional support can help reduce some of the stress and confusion a child might feel, even if you cannot change the whole situation right now.
Common Emotional Reactions in Children
Children may react to stress or conflict in different ways. You might notice:
- Changes in sleep (nightmares, trouble falling asleep)
- Changes in appetite
- Clinginess or fear of being away from a safe adult
- Aggression or irritability
- Quietness, withdrawal, or “zoning out”
- Difficulty concentrating, especially at school
- Physical complaints like headaches or stomach aches
None of these reactions automatically mean abuse is happening. They are simply signs that a child might be under stress and may need extra support.
Ways to Offer Emotional Support at Home
1. Create Predictable Routines
Routines can help children feel more secure, especially when other parts of life feel uncertain. You may want to consider:
- Regular wake-up and bedtime routines
- Simple, predictable meal times
- Small rituals, like reading a book together or a short check-in before bed
2. Listen More Than You Question
Children often share more when they feel no one is pushing them for details. You might:
- Give them time and space to talk, without interruptions
- Use open phrases like “That sounds really hard” or “Tell me more about that”
- Avoid pressing for information they seem reluctant to share
3. Name and Validate Feelings
Helping children find words for feelings can reduce confusion and shame. For example:
- “It makes sense that you feel scared when there is shouting.”
- “It’s okay to feel angry. It’s not okay to hurt yourself or others.”
- “You are not responsible for adults’ arguments.”
4. Reassure Them About Responsibility and Blame
Children sometimes believe that adult conflict is their fault. You may want to gently repeat messages such as:
- “Adults are responsible for their own behavior.”
- “You did not cause this.”
- “It is never a child’s job to fix adults’ problems.”
5. Offer Safe Choices
When other things feel out of control, small choices can help children feel more stable. You could offer options like:
- “Do you want to do homework at the table or on the couch?”
- “Would you like to draw, read, or listen to music to calm down?”
6. Support Healthy Coping Skills
Some simple coping strategies you can encourage include:
- Drawing or journaling feelings
- Listening to calming music or stories
- Gentle movement or stretching
- Practicing slow breathing together
When and Why to Involve the School
Schools can sometimes help with monitoring a child’s wellbeing, adjusting expectations, and offering extra support. Involving the school may be useful if you notice:
- Sudden drops in grades or participation
- Increased absences or lateness
- Behavior changes at school (more withdrawn, more aggressive, more distracted)
- Frequent calls from the school about behavior or concentration
You can choose how much to share. You do not have to provide detailed personal information if that feels unsafe or uncomfortable.
Preparing to Talk With the School
Clarify Your Goals
Before contacting the school, you may find it helpful to think through what you want from the conversation, such as:
- Teachers being more aware of your child’s stress
- Flexibility with homework or deadlines during difficult times
- Regular check-ins from a trusted staff member
- Access to a school counselor, if available
Decide What You Feel Safe Sharing
You are allowed to choose how much detail you give. You might:
- Use general wording like “We are going through a difficult family situation”
- Share only what is necessary for them to support your child’s learning and wellbeing
- Ask that sensitive information not be shared with certain people, if appropriate
How to Communicate With the School
Choosing Who to Speak To
Depending on your situation, you may feel most comfortable starting with:
- Your child’s main teacher or form tutor
- A school counselor, wellbeing lead, or pastoral care staff
- A guidance counselor or special education coordinator, if relevant
Ways to Contact the School
You can usually reach the school by:
- Sending an email asking for a private conversation
- Calling the school office to arrange a time to talk
- Requesting an in-person or virtual meeting, if that feels appropriate and safe
Example Phrases You Can Use
You may adapt these to your situation and comfort level:
- “My child is going through some stress at home. I’d like you to be aware in case you notice changes at school.”
- “I’m not comfortable sharing details, but there is a family situation affecting my child’s concentration.”
- “If you notice any major changes in mood, behavior, or attendance, please let me know.”
- “Is there someone at school my child can check in with if they are having a hard day?”
Supporting Your Child’s School Day
Helping Them Get Ready Emotionally
You may want to consider small steps that can make going to school easier, such as:
- A calm, brief morning check-in (“Anything worrying you about today?”)
- Agreeing on a simple coping plan for tough moments (for example, asking to go to a quiet area or to speak to a trusted adult)
- Sending a small comfort object, if school rules allow it
Checking In After School
Gentle, open questions can invite your child to share:
- “What was one good part of your day?”
- “Was there anything tricky or stressful today?”
- “Is there anything you’d like me to tell your teacher for you?”
When the Child Does Not Want the School Involved
Some children worry about classmates finding out or being treated differently. You might:
- Explain that you can share only basic information, focused on learning and wellbeing
- Involve them in decisions about who at school knows and what is said
- Agree on language you will use (for example, “family stress” instead of specific details)
If your child strongly objects, you may choose to delay or limit school communication, unless you feel there are serious safety or wellbeing concerns that need adult attention.
Looking After Yourself While Supporting a Child
Supporting a child’s emotions while managing your own stress can be demanding. It may help to:
- Remind yourself that you cannot control everything, only the steps you choose to take
- Use your own coping strategies (breathing, short breaks, talking with trusted people)
- Reach out to local support services or community resources, if you want additional guidance
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which gathers information about services in many areas.