Rebuilding Confidence After Abuse
Small steps that help survivors reconnect with themselves.
Grounding, Self-Trust, and Taking Small Steps After Abuse
Why These Skills Matter After Harm
Experiencing abuse can leave you feeling scattered, doubting yourself, and unsure what to do next. Grounding, rebuilding self-trust, and taking small steps can help you feel a bit more steady and in control over time.
You do not need to “fix everything” at once. These are skills you can practice gradually, in your own way.
What Grounding Means
Grounding is any simple practice that helps you come back to the present moment when you feel overwhelmed, checked out, or stuck in a loop of thoughts or memories.
It is not about forcing yourself to feel calm. It is about giving your mind and body a small anchor so you can get through the moment more safely.
Signs You Might Need Grounding
- Feeling “far away,” foggy, or unreal
- Heart racing, trouble breathing, or shaking
- Flashes of memories or imagining worst-case outcomes on repeat
- Feeling frozen and unable to decide what to do
- Feeling suddenly numb and disconnected
Simple Grounding Options
You may want to experiment and notice which options feel even slightly helpful, then keep a short list you can use when you need it.
Using Your Senses
- Touch: Hold a cool glass, a warm mug, or a textured object. Notice the temperature and texture. Name three things you can feel right now.
- Sight: Look around the room and name five objects you see: colors, shapes, or patterns.
- Sound: Listen for three different sounds (for example, traffic, a fan, birds, music). Say them in your head or out loud.
- Smell and taste: Smell something distinct (tea, soap, spices) or slowly eat or drink something and pay attention to each sip or bite.
Using Breath and Body Position
- Supported sitting: Feel your feet on the floor or against a solid surface. Notice where your body is supported by a chair or bed.
- Simple breathing: Breathe in through your nose for a slow count of 3, out through your mouth for a slow count of 4. Repeat a few times if it feels okay.
- Gentle movement: Roll your shoulders, stretch your fingers, or press your hands together and notice the pressure.
Understanding Self-Trust After Abuse
Abuse often involves being told your feelings are wrong, your memories are inaccurate, or that you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” Over time, this can make it hard to trust your own judgment, senses, and needs.
Rebuilding self-trust is not about being perfect. It is about slowly learning to listen to yourself again and to treat your own signals as valid information.
Common Ways Abuse Can Undermine Self-Trust
- You start doubting what actually happened or whether it was “really that bad.”
- You feel unable to make decisions without someone else’s approval.
- You automatically assume you are at fault whenever something goes wrong.
- You feel guilty for having boundaries, preferences, or needs.
- You ignore early warning signs in your body (like tension, dread, or anxiety) because you were told they did not matter.
Small Ways to Rebuild Self-Trust
You do not have to fully believe in yourself before you act. Often, trust grows from small actions you repeat over time.
Listening to Your Body’s Signals
- Notice when your body feels tight, on edge, or heavy around a person or situation. You do not have to explain why for it to be important.
- Practice saying to yourself: “My reaction makes sense with what I have been through.”
- When something feels wrong, consider allowing yourself to pause, get more information, or step back instead of pushing through.
Practicing Small, Low-Risk Decisions
- Choose something minor just for you (for example, what to eat, what to wear, what show to watch) and notice that your choice is allowed.
- After you decide, gently remind yourself: “I am allowed to choose this, even if someone else would pick differently.”
- Keep track of decisions that turned out okay or better than you feared. This can slowly counter the belief that you “always make bad choices.”
Using “What Do I Know Right Now?”
- When doubt or confusion is strong, list a few things you know for sure about the situation (even if they are simple facts).
- Then list what you do not know yet. This can reduce pressure to have everything figured out immediately.
- Remind yourself: “I can make the best choice I can with the information I have now, and adjust later if I need to.”
The Power of Small, Safe Steps
After abuse, big changes can feel overwhelming or unsafe. Small steps can help you explore your options while still paying attention to your limits and safety.
A small step is any action that is:
- Specific and realistic
- Low or moderate risk (for your safety, privacy, or stability)
- Within your current energy and resources
Examples of Small Steps
- Writing down what happened in a private place, if it feels helpful and safe to store.
- Talking with a trusted friend or support person about one part of your situation.
- Reading basic information about rights, safety planning, or abuse dynamics.
- Saving important phone numbers or documents somewhere secure.
- Setting a small boundary, like taking a break from an argument or delaying a conversation until you feel steadier.
Combining Grounding, Self-Trust, and Small Steps
These approaches can support each other. You can think of them as a simple loop:
- Grounding: Use a grounding skill to reduce immediate overwhelm enough to think more clearly.
- Self-trust: Check in with your body and thoughts. Ask, “What feels most important for me right now?”
- Small step: Choose one small, concrete action that fits your energy and safety needs today.
A Simple “In-the-Moment” Plan
When you feel triggered, pressured, or confused, you might try:
- Grounding with your senses for 1–2 minutes (for example, naming five things you see).
- Asking yourself: “What do I need most in the next hour?” (for example, privacy, rest, information, someone to talk to).
- Picking one small, safer action that matches that need (for example, taking a short walk, writing a list of questions, or delaying a non-urgent decision).
Working with Setbacks
Healing after abuse is rarely a straight line. Feeling strong one day and overwhelmed the next is common and does not mean you are failing.
When You Feel You “Messed Up”
- Try to notice your first reaction without judging it (for example, “I feel ashamed,” “I feel scared,” “I feel stuck”).
- Ask: “What was I trying to protect in that moment?” (for example, safety, housing, children, immigration status, financial survival, emotional stability).
- Consider one small way to support yourself now: grounding, reaching out to someone safe, or learning one new piece of information.
If you want to explore more forms of support, you can also look at resources listed through DV.Support to see what fits your situation.
When to Reach Out for Extra Support
You may want to look for additional support if you notice, for example:
- Grounding exercises are not helping enough, or you feel constantly on edge.
- Your self-doubt is so strong that you feel unable to make basic decisions.
- You are worried about your physical safety or the safety of others.
- You feel pushed, intimidated, or controlled when you try to set small boundaries.
Support can come from different places, such as trusted friends, community organizations, advocates, or professionals who understand abuse dynamics. You can choose what feels approachable and safe for you.
Remembering Your Autonomy
Even if someone has tried to control your choices or silence your voice, you still have the right to:
- Believe your own experiences and feelings
- Take your time before making big decisions
- Seek information and support without telling the person who harmed you
- Change your mind as you learn more or as your situation changes
- Prioritize your safety, privacy, and well-being
Grounding, self-trust, and small steps are tools you can adapt. You are allowed to keep only what is useful and leave the rest.