Why Abusers Rewrite History
Why abusers deny events or distort timelines.
What Is Narrative Control in Abusive Relationships?
Plain-Language Definition
“Narrative control” means one person repeatedly shaping, rewriting, or limiting the story about what is happening in the relationship so that their version becomes the only “truth” that counts.
In abusive or harmful relationships, narrative control is a way to get power over how you see yourself, the relationship, and even reality.
What Narrative Control Can Look Like
Not every disagreement about “what happened” is abuse. Narrative control is about patterns and power. You may be experiencing narrative control if someone regularly:
- Insists their memory or feelings are always right and yours are always wrong or “crazy”
- Retells events in a way that makes themselves the victim and you the problem, no matter what happened
- Talks over you or answers for you when you try to share your side with others
- Pressures you to “stick to the same story” when talking to friends, family, or professionals
- Minimizes or denies harmful behavior (“It was just a joke,” “You’re exaggerating”)
- Rewrites history after conflicts (“I never said that,” “You’re making things up”)
- Uses your mental health, background, or identity to discredit you (“No one will believe you, because you’re…”)
- Controls who you talk to, so only their version of events is heard
How Narrative Control Overlaps With Other Behaviors
Gaslighting
Narrative control often works together with gaslighting. Gaslighting targets your confidence in your own memory, perceptions, or judgment (“That didn’t happen,” “You’re imagining things”). Narrative control goes further by:
- Building a full storyline where the abusive person is reasonable and you are “the problem”
- Sharing that storyline with others to gain sympathy or support
- Using that storyline to justify more control or punishment
Reputation and Image Management
Narrative control can also show up as careful image management. For example, someone might:
- Act charming and generous in public while being harsh, cruel, or controlling in private
- Tell others that you are unstable, abusive, or untrustworthy
- Share selective or false information to make you look like the aggressor
- Use social media to present a happy, “perfect couple” story that hides harm behind the scenes
Isolation
Limiting your access to other viewpoints makes it easier for one person’s story to dominate. They may:
- Discourage or forbid you from talking to people who might support you
- Monitor your calls, messages, or social media
- Start fights when you talk to certain friends or family, so you eventually stop
Common Tactics Used to Control the Narrative
- Blame-shifting: Turning every concern you raise into something that is “your fault.”
- Selective truth: Admitting to minor mistakes while hiding or denying more serious behavior.
- Pre-emptive stories: Telling others their version of events first, especially after a visible conflict.
- Character attacks: Labeling you as “crazy,” “dramatic,” “abusive,” or “unstable” so you are not believed.
- Emotional pressure: Saying that talking about harm will “ruin their life,” “destroy the family,” or “take away the kids.”
- Using identity or roles: Hiding behind roles such as parent, provider, or respected community member to make their story seem more credible.
Why Narrative Control Is Harmful
Impact on You
- You may start doubting your memory and judgment.
- You may feel confused about whether your experiences “really count” as harm.
- You might stay quieter about what is happening, because you expect not to be believed.
- Your self-esteem and sense of reality can be worn down over time.
Impact on Your Relationships and Support Network
- Friends or family may only hear their version of events.
- You can feel increasingly isolated, even when people are physically around you.
- People you would normally turn to may feel pressured to “take sides.”
- It can become harder to seek help from services if your credibility has been undermined.
Impact in Legal or Official Settings
Narrative control may also be used in contact with schools, workplaces, or legal systems. Someone might:
- File reports first, presenting themselves as the one at risk
- Accuse you of being the abusive or “high-conflict” partner or parent
- Use partial or misleading information to influence professionals’ views of you
Ways You Might Respond to Narrative Control
Only you can decide what feels safe and realistic in your situation. Some people find it helpful to consider options like:
1. Quietly Noticing Patterns
- Pay attention to how you feel after conversations: clearer, or more confused?
- Notice if their version of events always protects them and harms you.
- Ask yourself whose voice is missing from the story, including yours.
2. Keeping Your Own Record
Some people choose to keep a private, secure record of events to feel more grounded in their own reality. This might include:
- Brief dated notes about what happened and how you felt
- Copies of messages or emails, stored safely if that is possible and lawful where you live
- Writing down exact phrases that feel important or worrying
3. Testing Your Story in Safe Spaces
- Sharing your experience with someone you trust who is outside the situation
- Talking with a support worker, advocate, or helpline in your region for another perspective
- Noticing how it feels when your version is listened to without being rewritten
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which includes information for different regions and circumstances.
4. Setting Boundaries Around Conversations
In some situations, you may choose to limit certain types of discussion, for example:
- Stating that you will not argue about your feelings or memories
- Ending a conversation if it turns into rewriting history or attacking your character
- Using written communication when you need a clearer record
These options are not always safe or possible. Your sense of risk and safety comes first.
5. Planning for Situations Involving Authorities
If you think narrative control may affect interactions with police, courts, schools, or services, you may want to consider:
- Keeping your explanations simple, factual, and focused on specific behaviors
- Bringing documents or records that support your account, if this is safe and lawful
- Asking a trusted person or advocate to attend important appointments with you, where that is allowed
What Narrative Control Is Not
It may help to separate narrative control from more ordinary situations, such as:
- Two people remembering events differently without trying to control or discredit each other
- Someone sincerely apologizing and taking responsibility for harm they caused
- Negotiating how to talk about private matters with others in a way that respects both people’s boundaries
The concern is not about occasional disagreement, but about a pattern where one person’s version consistently erases or punishes the other’s.
Checking In With Yourself
If you are wondering whether narrative control is happening in your life, you might reflect on questions like:
- Do I feel allowed to have my own perspective, even when it is different?
- When I speak up about harm, does the conversation become about protecting their image?
- Do I feel I have to “stick to their story” with other people?
- Have I started doubting my own memories or sanity because of how they talk about me?