Safety Tips If You Can’t Leave Yet

Ways to increase safety while still living with an abusive partner.

Safety Ideas if You Are Staying in the Relationship Right Now

Important Starting Points

If you are choosing to stay, or are not ready or able to leave, you are not to blame for the other person’s behaviour. Many people stay for reasons that are practical, emotional, financial, cultural, or related to children, immigration, or health.

The ideas below are not rules. They are options you may want to consider and adapt to your situation.

Thinking About Your Safety in Everyday Life

1. Notice Patterns and Warning Signs

You may want to quietly pay attention to:

• What usually happens before things escalate (certain times of day, substances, topics, money stress, visitors, phone notifications, etc.).
• How the person’s voice, body language, or habits change before they become more controlling or threatening.
• Situations that seem to stay calmer (public places, when other people are around, when you are in certain rooms).

Knowing patterns might help you decide when to keep conversation very simple, step away, or have a different plan for that time.

2. Adjusting Conversations and Responses

In unsafe situations, “keeping the peace” can be a survival strategy, not agreement or consent. You might choose to:

• Avoid topics that almost always lead to conflict when you can safely do so.
• Use short, neutral responses to de‑escalate (“I hear you”, “Let’s talk later”).
• End or pause conversations early if you sense things escalating, when it feels safe to do that.
• Plan safe ways to disagree, such as choosing calmer times or public settings if that reduces risk.

Planning Around the Home

3. Safer Spaces in the Home

If possible, you may want to:

• Notice which rooms feel comparatively safer (for example, more doors, closer to an exit, or where others can hear you).
• Spend more time in rooms where you could be seen or heard by neighbours or others, if that would increase safety.
• Try to move to a safer area of the home when things feel tense, if it can be done without increasing risk.

4. Doors, Exits, and Neighbours

Depending on your circumstances, it might help to:

• Know a few different ways out of your home or building, in case you need to leave quickly.
• Quietly notice which neighbours, shops, or public places are nearby where you might go if you ever need to step away.
• Decide whether it feels safe to tell a trusted neighbour or building staff that you might sometimes need them to call for help.

Technology and Communication Safety

5. Phones, Devices, and Accounts

Many people experience digital monitoring or pressure. You might consider:

• Keeping device passwords simple for you to remember but not written where they can be easily seen.
• Using a separate email account for important matters if it is safe to create and use one without their knowledge.
• Regularly reviewing which apps have access to your location or messages, when you can do so privately.
• Turning off location sharing on social media and maps if that will not increase suspicion or conflict.

6. Safer Ways to Contact Support

If you reach out for help, think about how that could be discovered. You might:

• Use a trusted friend’s phone or device when possible.
• Delete call logs or messages only if it will not look unusual or create more risk.
• Note important phone numbers or addresses on paper in a place that looks ordinary (for example, mixed into other notes or contacts).
• Use code words with trusted people so you can communicate that you need them to call or check on you without alerting the abusive person.

You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support.

Planning Around Children and Dependents

7. Talking With Children (If Safe)

If you have children and it is safe to do so, you may want to:

• Teach simple safety rules (for example: go to a neighbour’s home or a specific room if things feel scary).
• Avoid asking children to intervene or “take sides” during arguments.
• Agree on a code word that means “go to the safe place” or “call for help,” if calling for help is appropriate where you live.
• Reassure children that the situation is not their fault, in age‑appropriate language.

8. Planning Around Pick‑Ups and Visits

If you share parenting time or contact, you might consider:

• Arranging handovers in public locations or with a neutral third person, if that reduces risk and is allowed.
• Keeping communication about children brief and focused only on practical details.
• Using written forms of communication (texts, email) when that feels safer and appropriate.

Protecting Important Documents and Items

9. Copies and Backups

Without drawing attention, you may want to:

• Keep copies (paper or photos) of key documents such as IDs, immigration papers, health cards, prescriptions, and important numbers.
• Store copies in a place the other person is unlikely to check, or with a trusted person outside the home, if safe.
• Keep a list of medications, conditions, and allergies somewhere accessible.

10. Everyday Essentials

Some people find it useful to have certain items easier to access, such as:

• Keys, a small amount of money, or a card stored where you can grab them quickly.
• A small bag with basic items (for example: medication, copies of documents, a change of clothes for you or children) stored in a discreet place or with someone you trust.

Building Support Quietly

11. Identifying Safe People

You might reflect on:

• Friends, family, neighbours, coworkers, or community members who tend to respond calmly and respect your choices.
• Who could keep spare keys, documents, or a small amount of money for you, if that feels safe.
• Whether there is someone you could text or call during tense times, even just for distraction or company.

12. Professional and Community Supports

Depending on where you live, some options may include:

• Local domestic abuse or family violence services (some offer safety planning even if you are staying).
• Legal information services or clinics that can explain your rights without requiring you to take legal action.
• Cultural, faith, or community organisations that understand your background and needs.
• Health professionals who can document injuries or stress if you want that on record.

Emotional Safety While Staying

13. Small Ways to Look After Yourself

Living with ongoing control or fear can be draining. You may want to:

• Set aside short moments, even a few minutes, that feel like they belong to you (reading, stretching, listening to something calming).
• Keep a private note of your own thoughts and feelings in a safe place, if it would not be found.
• Practice grounding techniques that help you stay present (for example, noticing five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear).
• Remind yourself that your reactions are often normal responses to ongoing stress.

14. Handling Pressure and Blame

You may hear things like “This is your fault” or “You make me act this way.” It can help to remember:

• Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour, no matter what is happening around them.
• Feeling confused, attached, or hopeful does not mean you are responsible for someone else’s actions.
• Wanting the relationship to improve is common; you can care about someone and still recognize harmful behaviour.

Thinking About the Future, at Your Own Pace

15. Quietly Exploring Your Options

Even if you are staying now, it can be helpful to understand possible future choices. You might:

• Learn about your legal rights related to housing, children, finances, and protection, without committing to any action.
• Gather information about shelters, support lines, or community services in case you ever want them.
• Keep notes (if safe) about incidents, dates, and any witnesses, in case you decide to seek legal or protective help later.

16. Reviewing Your Safety Plan Over Time

Situations can change. You may wish to:

• Revisit your ideas every few weeks or after major changes (new job, pregnancy, moving, immigration steps, legal actions).
• Update who knows about your situation and how to reach them.
• Decide what feels realistic for you now, and what could be revisited later.

Recommended Articles

• Digital Safety in Abusive Relationships
• Creating a Personal Safety Plan
• Supporting Children Who May Be Exposed to Abuse
• Preparing and Protecting Important Documents
• Talking to Trusted People About Relationship Harm