Shared Parenting With an Abusive Ex
Non-legal guidance for emotionally safer coparenting.
Boundaries and Documentation in Unsafe or Controlling Relationships
What “Boundaries” Mean in Relationships
Boundaries are limits you set about how you want to be treated, what you are willing to do, and what is not acceptable to you. They protect your safety, time, body, emotions, money, and privacy.
In a healthy relationship, boundaries are discussed, respected, and sometimes negotiated. In an abusive or highly controlling relationship, boundaries are often ignored, mocked, or punished.
Types of Boundaries You Might Think About
- Physical boundaries – who can touch you, how, and when; personal space; sexual contact.
- Emotional boundaries – how you are spoken to; what insults, guilt, or pressure you will not accept.
- Time and contact boundaries – when you are available to talk, answer messages, or meet.
- Digital boundaries – phone access, social media passwords, tracking apps, location sharing.
- Financial boundaries – how money is spent, shared, controlled, or monitored.
- Information boundaries – what personal information you share or keep private.
Why Boundaries Can Feel Complicated with Abuse
When there is emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or digital abuse, boundaries can feel risky to state or enforce. You might notice:
- Fear that saying “no” will cause anger, silent treatment, or violence.
- Pressure to “prove love” by dropping your boundaries.
- Confusion because the person is kind sometimes and abusive at other times.
- Gaslighting – being told your boundaries are “crazy,” “selfish,” or “abusive.”
You are allowed to have boundaries even if the other person disagrees with them, and even if you are still living with or in contact with them.
Examples of Boundary Statements
These are examples, not instructions. The exact words you choose may depend on safety, culture, and your own communication style.
- “I will not stay in conversations where I am being insulted. I am going to step away when that starts.”
- “I am not comfortable sharing my passwords. I’ll manage my own accounts.”
- “If you yell at me on the phone, I will end the call.”
- “I will decide for myself who I talk to and spend time with.”
- “I am not okay with sex when I have said no or am asleep.”
When Boundaries Are Not Respected
Patterns of ignoring or punishing your boundaries can be warning signs of abuse, especially when you see:
- Repeated violations after you have been clear.
- Blame-shifting (“If you weren’t so sensitive, I wouldn’t have to act like this”).
- Retaliation when you try to take space or say no.
- Monitoring, stalking, or property damage when you try to enforce limits.
Some people use boundary violations to maintain control. In those situations, documenting what is happening can sometimes support your safety and your options.
What “Documentation” Means in the Context of Abuse
Documentation is any record you keep of concerning or abusive behavior. It can help you:
- See patterns more clearly over time.
- Remember details that may blur or be doubted later.
- Provide information to advocates, lawyers, or courts if you choose to involve them.
- Validate your own experiences when you are being minimized or gaslit.
Common Forms of Documentation
Depending on safety and local laws, documentation might include:
- Incident log or journal – dates, times, what happened, what was said, injuries, witnesses.
- Texts, emails, messages – saved screenshots or backups of threatening, harassing, or controlling communications.
- Call logs and voicemails – missed calls, repeated late-night calls, recorded threats where legally allowed.
- Photos – of injuries, damaged property, or other visible results of incidents.
- Medical and other records – doctor visits, prescriptions, notes about stress or injuries.
- Financial records – bank statements showing sudden withdrawals, debt created in your name, or financial control.
- Third-party accounts – notes from friends, family, neighbors, or coworkers who witnessed behavior.
How to Log Incidents in a Structured Way
You may want to keep your notes brief and factual. A simple structure might include:
- Date and time of the incident.
- Location – where it happened.
- Who was present – including children or others.
- What happened – key actions or words, especially threats, violations of orders, or boundary violations.
- Impact – injuries, missed work, fear, property damage, effects on children.
- How you responded – called someone, went to a doctor, changed plans, contacted police, or did nothing due to fear.
Some people use code words or neutral language if they fear the abuser will find the log. Others store it outside the home when they can do so more safely.
Safety Considerations When Documenting
Documentation can be helpful, but it can also increase risk if the abusive person discovers it. You might want to consider:
- Where you will store notes, screenshots, or photos (for example, at work, with a trusted person, or in a password-protected account).
- Whether shared devices, cloud accounts, or phone plans allow the other person to see what you save.
- Using a separate email or storage account that does not auto-sync to shared devices.
- Regularly backing up information somewhere the abusive person cannot easily access.
- Deleting your browser history or using private browsing on devices that may be monitored.
How Boundaries and Documentation Work Together
Boundaries and documentation can support each other:
- You might state a boundary (“Please do not come to my workplace uninvited”).
- If it is ignored, you may document the violation (date, time, behavior, witnesses).
- Over time, your records might show a pattern of ignoring limits, harassment, or stalking.
This pattern can help you and any professionals you choose to involve understand the level of risk and potential next steps. You are not required to tell the abusive person that you are documenting unless a lawyer or advocate specifically advises you to do so.
Using Documentation If You Choose to Seek Help
If you decide to seek outside help, your documentation may be useful when speaking with:
- Domestic violence advocates or support workers.
- Lawyers or legal aid organizations.
- Police or other law enforcement, if you choose to report.
- Court personnel in family, immigration, or criminal matters.
- Healthcare or mental health providers.
You can decide what to share, with whom, and when. You can also ask how your information will be stored and who will have access to it.
You may also want to explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, especially if you are considering legal, housing, or safety-related decisions.
Deciding What Feels Right for You
It is your choice how much to focus on setting boundaries, documenting behavior, planning for safety, or preparing for possible legal steps. Your choices may change over time as circumstances change.
You might find it helpful to:
- Note one or two key boundaries that feel most important for your well-being.
- Decide whether documenting feels useful, safe, and manageable right now.
- Identify at least one person or service you could talk to about what is happening, if you choose.
Your experiences and priorities matter. You can adjust your approach as you gather more information and support.