Stalking: Early Signs and Safety Tips

A safety-focused explanation of stalking behaviors.

Early Warning Signs and First Safety Steps

What Early Patterns Can Look Like

Abuse often develops gradually. It may start with behaviors that feel “off” but are easy to explain away. You may notice only one or two of these at first.

• Overly fast intensity – pushing for commitment, moving in, or major decisions very quickly; saying “you’re my only one” very early.
• Jealousy framed as love – getting upset about friends, co-workers, or ex-partners; wanting constant updates on where you are.
• Checking or monitoring – wanting your phone passwords, reading messages, tracking your location, or “needing to know everything.”
• Subtle control over time and activities – complaining when you see friends or family, making you feel guilty for hobbies or alone time.
• Comments about your clothing or appearance – telling you what you can or can’t wear; saying it’s “for your own good” or to “protect” you.
• Put-downs hidden as jokes – teasing that actually hurts; criticizing your body, intelligence, or abilities, then saying you’re “too sensitive.”
• Blaming you for their emotions – “You made me angry,” “You know what I’m like,” or suggesting their reactions are your fault.
• Rule-changing and double standards – you must answer calls immediately, but they ignore yours; they can go out, but you “should stay home.”
• Disrespect for privacy or boundaries – pushing past your “no,” continuing arguments when you say you need a break, or going through your things.
• Threatening behavior without physical contact – punching walls, breaking objects, driving aggressively, or standing too close during arguments.

Early Emotional and Psychological Patterns

Harmful dynamics can be emotional or psychological, even if there is no physical violence.

• Gaslighting – denying something you clearly remember, calling you “crazy,” or insisting your feelings are “wrong” or “made up.”
• Love then coldness – switching rapidly between affection and cruelty; giving affection again when you are about to set a boundary or leave.
• Isolation slowly increasing – making you feel bad for talking to others, saying “they’re a bad influence,” or turning people against you.
• Financial pressure or control – pushing you to quit a job, controlling your accounts, demanding receipts, or blocking your access to money.
• Using personal information against you – sharing secrets during arguments, mocking your vulnerabilities, or threatening to expose things.

Technology-Related Warning Signs

Early control can also show up through devices and online spaces.

• Pushing you to share passwords or unlock your phone “to prove you’re not hiding anything.”
• Insisting on reading your messages or checking call history.
• Using location sharing, apps, or social media check-ins to track where you are.
• Demanding constant replies and becoming angry if you are offline or busy.
• Posting about you without your consent, threatening to share private photos or messages.

First Safety Steps You May Want to Consider

Early steps do not have to be dramatic. Many people start with small, low-visibility actions that help them feel more prepared and informed.

• Pay attention to your own signals – notice if you feel tense, afraid, or like you are “walking on eggshells” around them.
• Write things down – keep brief, factual notes (dates, what happened, any witnesses). This may help you see patterns over time.
• Tell at least one trusted person – share specific behaviors, not just “we’re having problems.” Ask them to believe your perspective.
• Identify safer ways to communicate – decide which device, app, or email feels most private for you.
• Gather key information – keep a simple list of important numbers (friends, work, local support services) somewhere you can access.

If You Are Starting to Feel Unsafe

You may notice that arguments are becoming more intense, threats are appearing, or you do not feel safe saying “no.” You can still take early, careful steps.

• Check your gut before difficult conversations – notice if you feel fear about raising a topic or setting a boundary.
• Plan for where you will be – consider having serious conversations in public or semi-public spaces if that feels safer for you.
• Think about who knows what is happening – decide who could check in on you by message or call if you are worried about a specific time.
• Reduce what they can access – where safe, limit their access to your private accounts, documents, and devices.
• Consider your transport options – have an idea of how you could leave a situation (public transport, taxi, ride from a friend) if you wanted to.

Basic Digital Safety Steps

Some people begin with quiet changes to their digital security.

• Update passwords on email, banking, and important accounts where it is safe to do so.
• Turn off location sharing on apps and devices you control, if changing this will not create conflict.
• Check what devices are logged into your accounts and remove unknown or unnecessary ones.
• Consider using a separate email address for sensitive communication, if it is safe and private.
• Avoid discussing safety plans on shared devices or accounts when possible.

Preparing a Simple Personal Safety Plan

A safety plan is a flexible set of ideas you can use if things escalate. It can be very basic at the start.

• Safe places – think about places where you usually feel safer (a friend’s home, a public place, work).
• Supportive people – list a few people you could contact if you feel worried, even just to talk through options.
• Important items – consider where you keep ID, keys, bank cards, medications, and how quickly you could reach them.
• Signals and code words – if appropriate, agree on a simple phrase or emoji with someone you trust that means “please check on me.”
• Children’s awareness – if children are involved, think about age-appropriate ways they can know who to contact in an emergency.

Looking After Your Own Wellbeing

Feeling confused, unsure, or self-doubting is common when early patterns of harm appear.

• Remind yourself that your feelings and instincts are valid, even if no one else sees what you see.
• Spend time, when you can, with people who speak to you respectfully and calmly.
• Continue activities that support your sense of self (work, study, hobbies, community groups) where it is safe to do so.
• Consider confidential information sources about unhealthy or abusive relationships to compare with your own experience.

You can also explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which gathers services and information about domestic and family violence.

When You Are Unsure What to Call It

It is common to feel uncertain about whether what you are noticing “counts” as abuse.

• You do not need a label to take your safety and comfort seriously.
• You are allowed to set boundaries and ask for respect even if no one else sees a problem.
• You can seek information or support without making any immediate decisions about the relationship.

Recommended Articles

• Understanding Coercive Control
• Digital Safety and Abuse
• Safety Planning Basics
• Documenting Abuse and Harassment
• Supporting a Friend in an Abusive Relationship