How Trauma Affects Decision-Making
Why survivors may struggle to make decisions.
Understanding the Freeze Response and Confusion in Abuse
What Is the Freeze Response?
The “freeze response” is a natural, automatic reaction to threat. Instead of fighting back or running away, your body and mind may go very still, quiet, or “numb.” This is a survival response, not a choice or a character flaw.
Professionals sometimes group stress reactions as “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.” All are normal ways the nervous system tries to keep you alive.
How the Freeze Response Can Feel
People often describe freeze as:
- Feeling stuck or “paralyzed,” unable to move or speak
- Going blank, foggy, or disconnected
- Agreeing or not resisting, even when something feels wrong
- Feeling like you are watching yourself from outside your body
- Not being able to cry, shout, or leave, even if you want to
These reactions are common during or after moments of fear, control, or abuse.
Why the Body Freezes in Threatening Situations
When the brain senses danger, it quickly decides what might keep you safest. Sometimes it decides that staying very still or appearing compliant is the least risky option.
Freeze can be especially likely when:
- The person harming you is stronger, has more power, or controls money, housing, or immigration status
- You believe resisting might make the situation more dangerous
- This is not the first time you have experienced fear or harm
- You have been told that reacting or defending yourself will make things worse
Understanding Confusion During and After Abuse
Confusion is also a very common reaction to abusive or frightening behavior. It can show up as:
- Not being sure what actually happened
- Remembering only pieces or “flashes” of events
- Feeling like your thoughts are slow, foggy, or scattered
- Questioning whether it “really counts” as abuse
- Going back and forth between “It was bad” and “Maybe I’m overreacting”
Why Confusion Is So Common in Abusive Relationships
Confusion often comes from a mix of your body’s stress response and the other person’s behavior over time. You may experience confusion when:
- The person is kind and loving sometimes, and cruel or frightening at other times
- They deny what they did (“That never happened,” “You’re crazy”)
- They blame you for their actions (“You made me do it,” “If you hadn’t…”)
- You were taught to minimize your feelings or always keep the peace
- You are exhausted, sleep-deprived, or constantly on alert
All of this can make it hard to trust your own memory or judgment, even when harm is real.
How Freeze and Confusion Can Affect Decisions
Freeze and confusion can affect what you say or do during and after abusive incidents. For example, you may:
- Not resist or say “no,” even though you feel uncomfortable or scared
- Stay in the same room or home because you feel unable to move
- Send calm or even friendly messages afterward, trying to keep things safe
- Minimize what happened when talking to others
- Delay reporting or telling anyone, because you are unsure how to explain it
These reactions do not mean the abuse was not serious. They can be evidence of how overwhelmed and unsafe you felt.
Common Myths About the Freeze Response
You may have heard ideas that make you question your reactions. Some myths include:
- Myth: “If it was really bad, you would have fought back or left.”
Reality: Many people freeze during serious danger. Staying still can be a survival response. - Myth: “If you didn’t say ‘no’ clearly, it must have been okay.”
Reality: Not speaking or resisting can be part of freeze. Silence or stillness do not equal consent. - Myth: “If your memory is fuzzy, it must not have happened.”
Reality: Stress and trauma can affect memory. Confusion or gaps in memory are common and do not erase what happened.
Noticing Your Own Signs of Freeze or Confusion
You may want to gently notice patterns in your own reactions, such as:
- Times your body felt numb, heavy, or “far away” during arguments or sexual contact
- Moments where you felt you “couldn’t” speak up, move, or leave
- Feeling pressured to give quick answers when you are still confused
- Frequently doubting your own memory or feelings after conflict
Recognizing these signs can sometimes help you plan for what you might want to do if similar situations come up again.
Possible Ways to Support Yourself
Everyone’s situation is different. Some people find it helpful to:
- Write down what you remember, in your own words and at your own pace
- Notice what helps your body feel even slightly calmer or safer in the moment (such as focusing on your breathing, feeling your feet on the floor, or looking around the room)
- Talk with someone you feel is safe and nonjudgmental about your experiences
- Ask for more time before making big decisions when you feel very confused
- Learn more about abuse dynamics, consent, and trauma responses
If it feels right for you, you can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support.
When Freeze and Confusion Keep Showing Up
If you notice freeze and confusion happening often around a particular person, this may be a sign that the relationship feels unsafe or unbalanced, even if there are also good moments.
Some people find that over time they:
- Walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting the other person
- Stop sharing their true feelings or opinions
- Question their own memory more and more
- Feel pressure to accept things they are uncomfortable with
Noticing these patterns can be a first step in thinking about your boundaries, your needs, and what options you may want to consider next.
How Friends and Family Can Respond
If you are supporting someone who describes freezing or feeling confused, you may want to:
- Believe them, even if their story is not perfectly clear
- Avoid questions that sound blaming, such as “Why didn’t you fight back or leave?”
- Use phrases like “It makes sense your body reacted that way” or “You did what you needed to survive in that moment”
- Let them set the pace for what they share and what they want to do next
Key Points to Remember
- Freeze and confusion are normal, automatic responses to fear and threat.
- They do not mean you agreed with what happened or that it was your fault.
- Your reactions can be important information about your sense of safety in a relationship.
- You have the right to seek information, support, and options that respect your pace and choices.