What Is “Stonewalling”?
Why emotional shutdowns can be manipulation.
Patterns of Abuse and Emotional Impact
What “Patterns” of Abuse Means
Abuse is often described as a pattern, not just a single argument or bad day. A pattern is a repeated way a person uses power and control in the relationship.
You may notice:
- The same types of hurtful behavior happening again and again
- Periods where things are “good,” then a repeat of the harm
- Similar triggers: for example, any time you disagree, succeed at something, or see certain people
- Predictable results: you end up apologizing, staying quiet, or changing your plans to keep the peace
Common Relationship Abuse Patterns
Patterns can look different from one relationship to another, but many people notice some of these:
1. The Build-Up of Tension
Small put-downs, criticism, or controlling comments may slowly increase. You might feel like you are “walking on eggshells,” trying not to upset the other person.
- They become more irritated or critical over time
- Rules or expectations keep changing
- Your own anxiety or alertness increases
2. An Incident or Outburst
The tension can lead to a more obvious incident. This could be yelling, threats, intimidation, name-calling, financial control, or physical or sexual harm.
- The person may blame you for “making” them react
- The incident may seem out of proportion to what happened
- You might feel shock, fear, or confusion afterward
3. Minimizing, Denial, or Blame
Afterward, the person may downplay what happened or rewrite the story.
- “It wasn’t that bad.”
- “You’re too sensitive.”
- “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y.”
This can leave you doubting your own memory or feelings.
4. The “Honeymoon” or Reconciliation Phase
Sometimes, there is a period where the person is kind, affectionate, or very apologetic.
- They may promise change, gifts, or big gestures
- They may cry, express fear of losing you, or talk about getting help
- You might feel relief and hope that things will finally be different
For many people, this kindness feels very real, which can make it harder to leave or set boundaries.
5. The Cycle Repeats
Without real, sustained change, the same sequence often happens again. Over time, the “good” periods may get shorter, and the harm may increase or change form.
Subtle Patterns That Can Be Easy to Miss
Patterns are not always loud or explosive. Some are quiet and slow, but still harmful.
- Gradual isolation from friends, family, or activities
- Increasing control over money, work, or school
- Repeated “jokes” that hurt your feelings or dignity
- A pattern of ignoring your “no” or pushing past your limits
- Using your private information or past trauma in arguments
- Unpredictable affection: warm one moment, cold or distant the next
How Patterns Can Affect Your Emotions
Living with ongoing control or fear can have a strong emotional impact. Different people feel this in different ways, and reactions can change over time.
Common Emotional Effects
- Constant anxiety or tension – feeling on edge or bracing for the next incident
- Fear – of their moods, reactions, or possible consequences if you say no
- Confusion – especially when they are loving sometimes and hurtful other times
- Shame – feeling responsible, embarrassed, or “stupid” for staying
- Guilt – for not being able to “fix” the relationship or keep everyone calm
- Sadness or numbness – feeling low, hopeless, or disconnected from your own feelings
- Anger – toward them, toward yourself, or toward the situation
Impact on How You See Yourself
Over time, repeated hurtful behavior can change your sense of who you are.
- Feeling less confident about your decisions
- Doubting your memory or judgment
- Questioning whether your needs or boundaries are “too much”
- Believing their insults, even if you once disagreed with them
- Feeling like you have to “earn” basic kindness or respect
Why the Emotional Impact Can Feel So Strong
When care and harm come from the same person, it can create a powerful emotional pull.
Mixed Signals and Emotional Confusion
- The same person who hurts you may also be caring, affectionate, or supportive sometimes
- You may remember the good times when you think about leaving or setting limits
- You might find yourself defending them to others or minimizing what happens
This mix of harm and kindness can make it hard to trust your own reactions.
Changes in Your Body’s Stress Response
Living with ongoing uncertainty or fear can affect sleep, appetite, and concentration.
- Trouble sleeping or frequent nightmares
- Headaches, stomach issues, or other physical discomforts
- Difficulty focusing at work, school, or on daily tasks
- Feeling exhausted, even when you are not doing physically demanding activities
Recognizing Emotional Abuse as Part of the Pattern
Emotional and psychological abuse may not leave visible marks, but the impact can be serious.
- Insults, name-calling, or repeated criticism
- Humiliation in private or in front of others
- Threats or comments about self-harm, children, pets, or immigration status
- Gaslighting: making you question your memory, reality, or sanity
- Silent treatment, stonewalling, or sudden withdrawal as punishment
- Monitoring your phone, messages, or online activity
These are not just “communication problems.” They are methods of control that can deeply affect emotional well-being.
What You May Want to Notice in Your Own Situation
You might find it helpful to pay attention to:
- What usually happens before an incident
- What you do to try to keep things calm
- How you feel in your body when you hear their steps, key in the door, or phone notification
- Whether you feel more free or more tense when they are not around
- How you talk to yourself about what is happening (“It’s not that bad,” “I’m overreacting,” or “This feels wrong”)
Taking Care of Yourself Emotionally
It may not be possible to change the other person’s behavior, but you still have options for caring for yourself.
- Notice and name what you are feeling without judging it
- Reach out to someone you trust, if it feels safe to do so
- Allow yourself to seek professional support, such as counseling or medical care, if available
- Spend time on small activities that bring you comfort or a sense of control, even briefly
- Learn more about abuse dynamics to better understand what you are experiencing
If you want to read about other support options or services, you can explore information listed at DV.Support.
What This Awareness Can Help With
Recognizing patterns and emotional impact does not require you to make any immediate decisions. It can simply help you:
- Understand that your reactions are normal responses to ongoing stress
- See that repeated harmful behavior is not your fault
- Consider what boundaries, supports, or safety planning steps you may want in the future
- Explain your situation more clearly if you choose to talk with a trusted person or professional