Financial Abuse: What It Looks Like
Common patterns of money-related control.
Money Control, Debt Manipulation, and Quiet Planning
What Money Control Can Look Like
Money control is a form of financial abuse. It happens when one person uses money, banking, or work to gain power over another person. It often appears slowly and can be confusing to name.
- Putting all accounts in their name only, even when you contribute
- Refusing to share basic information about income, bills, or savings
- Making you ask for money for food, transport, or necessities
- Monitoring every purchase or demanding receipts for everything
- Taking your wages, benefits, or cash “for safekeeping” and not giving them back
- Blocking you from work or education so you stay financially dependent
Debt Manipulation and Financial Sabotage
Debt manipulation involves using loans, credit, or bills to control or harm you. It can damage your credit history and limit your future choices.
- Opening credit cards or loans in your name without your informed consent
- Forcing or pressuring you to co-sign loans, leases, or phone contracts
- Refusing to pay joint bills they agreed to pay, leaving you with arrears
- Running up debt on shared cards, then insisting it is “your problem”
- Hiding letters from creditors or official notices so problems grow
- Using threats like “You’ll be homeless and in debt if you ever leave”
How Money Control Affects You
Financial control can affect many areas of life:
- Making it hard to buy food, transport, or medication without permission
- Trapping you in a relationship because you feel you cannot afford to leave
- Damaging your credit score, which can affect housing, phones, or future loans
- Causing fear of opening post, emails, or answering unknown numbers
- Creating long-term stress, shame, or confusion about your financial rights
Recognising Patterns Versus “Normal” Money Disagreements
Most couples sometimes disagree about money. Financial abuse is different. You may be seeing abuse if:
- The other person makes all the money decisions as a rule, not by mutual agreement
- You feel scared, panicked, or punished when money is discussed
- Requests for basic spending are met with insults, threats, or silence
- Your access to money depends on your behaviour or obedience
- They use money problems to justify other controlling behaviour
Rights and Boundaries Around Money
Depending on where you live, laws may protect you from fraud, identity theft, and some forms of economic abuse. Even where laws are limited, you still have basic rights in a relationship, such as:
- The right to know about major financial decisions that affect you
- The right to understand what you are signing before you sign it
- The right to ask questions about bills, debts, and bank accounts
- The right to say no to taking on debt you do not want
- The right to work, study, or pursue income if you choose, subject to local law and circumstances
Quiet Financial Awareness and Information-Gathering
If open conversations about money feel unsafe, you may want to build your understanding in low-visibility ways. What feels safe will be different for each person.
- Notice what you already know: your income, their income (if known), regular bills, rent, or mortgage costs.
- When you see a bill, statement, or email, quietly note or memorise key details such as company name, approximate amount owed, and dates.
- If safe, keep a small, discreet list of important accounts (for example: bank name only, or creditor name) rather than full numbers.
- Pay attention to patterns: which debts keep coming up, which bills are being ignored, and how money arguments usually start.
Low-Visibility Ideas for Tracking Your Own Money
Some people find it helpful to quietly track what comes in and what goes out, even if they cannot control it fully yet.
- Use a simple code in a notebook that looks like something else (for example, “appointments”) if you feel watched.
- Note down dates and approximate amounts of your income (wages, benefits, gifts).
- Record when your partner takes money from you and what they say it is for.
- Keep a basic list of any debts you know are in your name.
- If you cannot safely write anything down, mentally review key figures from time to time to keep them familiar.
Quiet Ways to Reduce Future Financial Harm
Not everyone can change their situation immediately. You may instead focus on slowing further damage where possible and safe.
- If you are asked to sign something, you may want to say you need time to read it, or that you must check a detail later.
- Where it feels safe, avoid offering your personal details (full name, date of birth, ID numbers) for new accounts you do not understand.
- Consider asking neutral questions such as “Which company is this with?” or “Is it in my name too?” to get more information before agreeing.
- If they often demand your card or PIN, you may want to consider whether changing a PIN or using two-step verification would be safe and possible.
- Think carefully before agreeing to co-sign new loans or contracts, especially if you are already uneasy.
Quietly Building Small Reserves
Some people find it useful to slowly build a small financial cushion. This is not possible or safe for everyone.
- Setting aside small amounts of cash from regular spending where this will not be noticed.
- Keeping any small savings in a place that does not obviously look like money storage.
- Accepting occasional help from trusted people (for example, a paid-for travel card instead of cash), if this feels safe.
- Learning about low-cost or free community resources (food programmes, transport help, legal aid) that can stretch limited money.
Digital Safety Around Money
Financial control is often linked with digital monitoring. You may wish to consider:
- Whether they know or can guess your passwords, PINs, or device passcodes.
- Whether email or banking alerts go to an address or phone they can see.
- Whether browser history or bank app access is regularly checked.
If it is safe to adjust your digital security, you might later choose to change passwords, set up two-step verification, or use a separate email for financial matters. If any change is likely to trigger anger or suspicion, it may be safer to wait or seek specialist advice first.
Planning for Possible Future Changes
You do not have to know exactly what you want to do next. Quiet planning can simply mean understanding your options a little better.
- Make a short list (even mentally) of people or services you could contact if you needed financial or legal information.
- Learn, in general terms, how shared debts and assets are treated in your region, without revealing your situation if you do not want to.
- Consider what you would need to manage for one week on your own: transport, ID, medication, basic spending money.
- Think about where post or documents could safely reach you if you ever needed them sent somewhere private.
- If you work, reflect on whether there is a trusted colleague or HR person you might approach for support around pay, schedule, or safety at work.
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which may include organisations familiar with financial abuse.
Looking After Your Sense of Self Around Money
Financial abuse can leave you doubting your abilities and judgment. You might notice thoughts such as “I’m terrible with money” or “I’ll never be able to manage alone.” These thoughts often come from repeated criticism and control, not from your actual capability.
- Remind yourself that making decisions with limited information is difficult for anyone.
- Notice moments, however small, where you have handled money responsibly.
- Remember that many people rebuild their finances after hardship, step by step.
- Allow yourself to seek neutral, non-judgmental information about money skills, budgeting, and credit repair when you feel ready.
When You Are Ready to Talk to Someone
When it feels safe, you may wish to share parts of your situation with a trusted person or service. You stay in control of how much you say.
- You can choose to focus on the financial facts (for example, “There are debts in my name I did not agree to”) without sharing everything.
- You can ask direct, practical questions (for example, “What happens if a joint account is overdrawn?”) without labelling the situation as abuse if you are not ready.
- You can take time to decide whether to act on any advice you receive.