What Gaslighting Looks Like in Real Life
A simple explanation of gaslighting and how it affects survivors.
Gaslighting: What It Is and How to Ground Yourself
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a pattern of behavior where someone makes you doubt your own memory, feelings, or sense of reality. Over time, it can make you feel confused, “over‑sensitive,” or like you cannot trust your own mind.
Gaslighting can happen in intimate relationships, families, workplaces, or any setting where one person has power over another.
Common Signs of Gaslighting
You may be experiencing gaslighting if, over time, you notice a pattern like:
- You often feel confused after conversations and question what actually happened.
- The other person denies saying or doing things you clearly remember.
- You are told you are “crazy,” “too sensitive,” or “imagining things” when you raise concerns.
- Your feelings are dismissed or mocked instead of taken seriously.
- They insist their version of events is the only truth, even when you have evidence.
- They say others agree with them, but you never hear this directly.
- You find yourself apologizing constantly, even when you did nothing wrong.
- You hesitate to make decisions without their approval because you no longer trust your own judgment.
Typical Gaslighting Phrases
The exact words vary, but many people report hearing phrases like:
- “That never happened. You’re remembering wrong.”
- “You’re overreacting. It was just a joke.”
- “You’re too sensitive. No one else would be upset about this.”
- “You always twist things.”
- “Everyone knows you have a bad memory.”
- “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t feel that way.”
- “You’re the abusive one. I’m the victim here.”
One or two comments like this do not automatically mean gaslighting. Gaslighting is usually an ongoing pattern used to keep control, avoid responsibility, or make you doubt yourself.
How Gaslighting Can Affect You
Over time, gaslighting can have real impacts, including:
- Feeling confused, “foggy,” or unsure what is real.
- Constant self‑doubt and second‑guessing your choices.
- Difficulty making decisions, even small ones.
- Feeling anxious, on edge, or like you are “walking on eggshells.”
- Blaming yourself for problems that are not your fault.
- Pulling away from friends or family because you feel ashamed or misunderstood.
Grounding Steps When You Feel Confused
Grounding is about helping your mind and body reconnect with the present moment so you can think more clearly. You may want to experiment with the steps below and keep what feels most helpful.
1. Pause and Name What Is Happening
When you start to feel spun around or doubting yourself, you might gently tell yourself:
- “I am feeling confused right now.”
- “I notice I’m starting to question my memory.”
- “This might be gaslighting, not a failure in me.”
Simply naming the experience can create a small pause between you and the confusion.
2. Check In With Your Body
Gaslighting can trigger strong physical reactions. You may want to notice, without judging:
- Where you feel tension (jaw, shoulders, stomach, chest).
- Whether your heart is racing or your breathing feels shallow.
- Any urge to freeze, appease, or panic.
If it feels okay, you might try:
- Taking 3 slow, gentle breaths, letting your exhale be a bit longer than your inhale.
- Pressing your feet into the floor and noticing the support beneath you.
- Placing a hand on your chest or stomach and feeling the rise and fall of your breathing.
3. Use Simple Sensory Grounding
Sensory grounding can help you orient to the present. Some people find exercises like these useful:
- Look around and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
- Hold a solid object (a key, a mug, a stone) and notice its weight, texture, temperature, and shape.
- Run cool or warm water over your hands and focus on the sensation for a few breaths.
4. Reality‑Check With Something Outside the Argument
You may want to check your sense of reality against something neutral or written down. For example:
- Look at messages, emails, or notes you have from the situation.
- Write down what you remember happening, in your own words, as soon as you can.
- Compare what you were told earlier with what is being said now.
You do not have to confront the other person with this information. This step is mainly to support your own clarity.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Take Space
If it feels safe to do so, you might consider:
- Ending or pausing the conversation (“I’m not able to keep talking about this right now.”).
- Moving to another room, going for a brief walk, or focusing on another task.
- Letting yourself delay decisions (“I’ll need time to think about this.”).
6. Keep a Simple Record (If It Feels Safe)
Some people experiencing gaslighting find it helpful to keep a brief, factual record of events. You might, if it feels safe and does not increase your risk:
- Write down dates, times, and what was said or done.
- Note how you felt before, during, and after interactions.
- Save relevant texts or emails in a place that feels as safe as possible.
Records like this can support your own sense of reality. They may also be useful later if you decide to speak with a legal advocate, counselor, or other support person.
Ways to Support Your Sense of Reality
Over time, you may want to build habits that strengthen trust in your own perception:
- Validate your feelings: Remind yourself that your emotional responses make sense, even if someone else denies them.
- Use “I noticed…” statements: For example, “I noticed you raised your voice,” instead of “Maybe I’m imagining you’re angry.”
- Compare past and present behavior: Notice patterns, not just one argument.
- Talk to at least one trusted person: Sharing specific examples can help you see patterns more clearly.
- Re-read your own notes: Returning to what you wrote earlier can counter “I must be making this up” thoughts.
Talking With Others About Gaslighting
You may choose to talk with:
- A trusted friend or family member.
- A local domestic abuse advocate or helpline in your area.
- A counselor, therapist, or support group, if available to you.
When sharing, it can help to focus on specific examples rather than labels. For instance:
- “Last night I said I was hurt by that comment. They laughed and said it never happened, even though I remember it clearly.”
- “When I bring up concerns, I’m told I’m crazy or imagining things. Afterward I feel confused and doubt my memory.”
You can explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which provides information about domestic and relationship abuse.
Remembering Your Rights
Even if someone is telling you otherwise, you still have rights in your relationships. These include the right to:
- Take your own feelings and memories seriously.
- Ask questions and seek clarification.
- Say no to conversations that feel overwhelming or unsafe.
- Talk to other people about what is happening.
- Seek professional, legal, or advocacy support if you choose.
Planning Next Steps at Your Own Pace
There is no single “correct” way to respond to gaslighting. Your choices may depend on safety, finances, children, immigration status, culture, and many other factors. You might consider:
- Continuing to observe and write down patterns.
- Quietly gathering information about legal rights in your area.
- Exploring emotional support, such as counseling or a support group.
- Learning more about safety planning if you have concerns about harm escalating.
Any step you take to understand your experience and support your own clarity is valid, even if it feels small.