What Is Coercive Control?
A clear explanation of coercive control as a pattern of domination.
What Is Coercive Control?
Clear Definition
Coercive control is a pattern of ongoing behaviours used to dominate, isolate, and control another person in a close relationship. It is not just single arguments or “bad days.” It is a repeated system of actions that gradually limits your freedom, choices, and sense of self.
Coercive control can happen in any intimate relationship, including dating, marriage, civil partnerships, ex-partners, or within families. It may or may not include physical violence. Even without physical harm, coercive control is a serious form of abuse.
Key Features of Coercive Control
While every situation looks different, many people describe common features:
- Pattern, not one-off incidents: Behaviours repeat and build over time, often getting more controlling.
- Power imbalance: One person consistently has more power and uses it to get their way.
- Isolation: Cutting you off from friends, family, work, or support.
- Monitoring and surveillance: Keeping close watch on where you are, what you do, and who you talk to.
- Unpredictability: Sudden mood changes, shifting rules, or threats that keep you on edge.
- Dependence: Making you financially, emotionally, or practically dependent on them.
- Fear and compliance: You change your behaviour mainly to avoid their reactions, not out of free choice.
Common Behaviour Patterns
1. Isolation and Control of Contact
Coercive control often begins with slowly limiting your contact with others.
- Complaining whenever you see friends, family, or colleagues.
- Checking or criticising your social media activity.
- Insisting on reading your messages or emails.
- Making you feel guilty for wanting time alone or with others.
- Causing arguments before or after you see other people so you stop going.
2. Monitoring, Surveillance, and Rules
Over time, the person may set formal or informal “rules” for your daily life.
- Constantly texting or calling and expecting immediate replies.
- Using tracking apps, checking your location, or demanding passwords.
- Timing how long you take to run errands or go to work.
- Criticising your clothes, appearance, or how you spend your time.
- Creating strict routines about cleaning, cooking, or other chores and punishing you if they are not followed.
3. Financial and Practical Control
Money and basic needs can be used to gain power and keep you dependent.
- Taking your wages or benefits, or only giving you “allowances.”
- Blocking you from work or study opportunities.
- Refusing to share household finances but expecting you to cover expenses.
- Running up debts in your name or controlling all bank accounts.
- Threatening to leave you without housing, transport, or childcare if you do not comply.
4. Emotional Manipulation and Gaslighting
Coercive control often includes psychological tactics that distort your reality and undermine your confidence.
- Regularly putting you down, mocking, or humiliating you.
- Calling you “too sensitive,” “crazy,” or “overreacting” when you raise concerns.
- Denying things they clearly said or did (“That never happened”).
- Blaming you for their behaviour (“You made me do it”).
- Using your personal history or vulnerabilities against you.
5. Threats, Intimidation, and Use of Fear
Threats do not have to be carried out to cause harm. The fear they create is often enough to keep someone controlled.
- Threatening to hurt themselves, you, children, pets, or property.
- Threatening to take children away or involve authorities against you.
- Destroying belongings or punching walls to scare you.
- Driving dangerously during arguments.
- Implying they are “watching” you or know everything you do.
6. Sexual and Reproductive Control
Control can also show up around sex, pregnancy, and health decisions.
- Pressuring or forcing sex when you do not want it.
- Ignoring or removing contraception without your consent.
- Controlling decisions about pregnancy or abortion.
- Mocking or punishing you for saying no or setting boundaries.
7. “Good Times” Mixed with Abuse
Coercive control rarely looks harmful all the time. There may be apologies, affection, or gifts after hurtful episodes.
- Intense apologies and promises to change after incidents.
- Periods of warmth, closeness, or “things being perfect” that make the harmful times confusing.
- Using shared history or “soulmate” language to keep you hopeful.
How Coercive Control Feels Over Time
The emotional impact often builds slowly. Many people describe not noticing the full pattern until much later.
Common Emotional Impacts
- Chronic anxiety: Feeling constantly on edge, trying to predict their mood or reactions.
- Fear: Being scared of saying or doing the “wrong” thing, even in small situations.
- Confusion: Doubting your own memory or judgement because your experience is regularly denied or twisted.
- Shame and self-blame: Believing the abuse is your fault or that you should “try harder.”
- Low self-esteem: Feeling worthless, useless, or unlovable after repeated put-downs.
- Emotional numbness: Shutting down feelings to cope with ongoing stress and fear.
- Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for danger signs (tone of voice, footsteps, messages).
- Isolation and loneliness: Feeling cut off from support, or believing no one would understand.
Impact on Daily Life and Decisions
Coercive control can affect how you think, plan, and move through everyday life.
- Making decisions based mainly on what will keep the other person calm.
- Changing your personality, interests, or appearance to avoid conflict.
- Hiding parts of your life from friends, family, or professionals.
- Finding it hard to trust your own choices or to make independent plans.
- Having trouble concentrating at work, school, or with daily tasks.
Longer-Term Effects
After ongoing coercive control, some people may experience:
- Symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress, such as flashbacks or nightmares.
- Depression, including loss of interest in usual activities.
- Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach problems, or sleep issues linked to stress.
- Lasting difficulties with trust and safety in future relationships.
Why Coercive Control Can Be Hard to Recognise
Many people struggle to name what is happening to them, especially at the beginning.
- It can start subtly: Early behaviours may look like “protectiveness,” “jealousy,” or strong interest.
- It builds gradually: Each new rule or restriction can feel small on its own.
- There may be no physical violence: Without visible injuries, it can be harder to see it as abuse.
- Mixed messages: Kind or loving moments can make hurtful behaviour easier to excuse.
- Cultural or family beliefs: Ideas about loyalty, gender roles, or privacy can hide controlling patterns.
Your Experience Matters
You are the expert on your own situation. If you notice a pattern where your choices keep shrinking, your world gets smaller, and you feel afraid or controlled, it may be helpful to name it as coercive control.
You may want to consider:
- Writing down incidents over time to see patterns more clearly.
- Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or support organisation about what you are experiencing.
- Exploring information about safety planning and legal rights in your area.
You can also explore additional support options through resources listed at DV.Support, which brings together information on services for people affected by domestic abuse.